A Sad Excuse For Jerry Springer: Xenosaga Style
by Major Zazu Fangirl
Summary: I wrote this in 20 minutes or so... in other words flame me and DIE!!!!!!!


A Sad Excuse for Jerry Springer: Xenosaga Style  
  
*~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~*  
  
Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!  
  
Jerry: Welcome to my show. Today, we have no topic in particular, everything that happens is even more unpredictable and random than it is on TV. Our first guest is Chaos.  
  
chaos: ... chaos.  
  
Jerry: No, it says Chaos.  
  
chaos: But it's chaos!  
  
Jerry: Why would it be chaos?  
  
chaos: Why would it be Chaos!? Pfffff, "Chaos."  
  
Jerry: ... Anyway, since MZF wants to finish this before Family Guy starts we're just gonna bring out COSMOS!  
  
chaos: ... KOS-MOS.  
  
Jerry: No, it says COSMOS.  
  
chaos: But it's KOS-MOS!  
  
Jerry: Why would it be KOS-MOS?  
  
chaos: Why would it be COSMOS!? Pfffff, "COSMOS."  
  
Jerry: Luckily, you, our Xenosaga-loving reader loves repetitiveness, so you won't have to beat MZF to a bloody pulp than throw her body in the ocean to be eaten by sharks!  
  
MZF: Three cheers for repetitiveness!  
  
Hip-Hip!  
  
Hooray!  
  
Hip-Hip!  
  
Hooray  
  
Hip-Hip!  
  
Hoor-  
  
*gets a car radio thrown at her*  
  
MZF: X_X  
  
Everyone: .........  
  
chaos: ... Hey, wait a minute, if MZF is knocked out... who's writing this fanfiction?  
  
Hannah: *raises hand*  
  
Jerry: Who are you?  
  
Hannah: I'm Hannah, MZF's older sis. I helped her write the FFVIII Saifuu fanfiction "Discipline Me."  
  
Everyone: Ooooooooooooooh...  
  
Hannah: My hobbies include drawing hentai, writing hentai, looking at hentai, and making hentai doujinshis.  
  
Everyone: Ooooooooooooooh...  
  
Hannah: In fact, I'm currently working on a Xenosaga hentai doujinshi. The title is in Italian, as you can see.  
  
Everyone: Ooooooooooooooh...  
  
Hannah: It translates to "Wedding Ring."  
  
chaos: Hey, is that me on the cover?  
  
Hannah: Why, yes, yes it is.  
  
chaos: Ooooh, who's the hot chick?  
  
Hannah: *blink, blink* That's KOS-MOS.  
  
chaos: Holy sh... REALLY!?  
  
Hannah: Yes!  
  
chaos: All right! I get to do her!  
  
Hannah: Actually, you get to make sweet love in a seaside hotel on a white bed covered in red rose petals on your honeymoon. It's an expression of your deep and undying love for each other.  
  
chaos: *confused* ... Does... Does that mean I get to do her????  
  
Hannah: *sigh* Yes.  
  
chaos: YAY!!  
  
Jerry: ... What the hell's going on again?  
  
chaos: *looking at hentai* Oooooh, kinky! .... Whadja say, Jerry?  
  
Jerry: Can we just bring out-  
  
chaos: Oh, KOS-MOS, you've been a naughty girl, you need a spanking! *giggles insanely*  
  
Jerry: *blink* Uhhh... we really should-  
  
chaos: Oh my god that's hot... Hannah you're a genius!!  
  
Jerry: SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I JAM THIS MIC UP YOUR ASS!!!!!!  
  
chaos: o_O I'll be quiet.  
  
Jerry: Now, let's bring out KOS-MOS!  
  
KOS-MOS comes out, the audience cheers. She sits down next to chaos. She kisses chaos and the audience goes "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww......."  
  
Jerry: Now go sort out your problems or do whatever the hell you have to do while I go backstage and get DRUNK!! *takes a bottle of whiskey out of his jacket and makes his way to the backstage*  
  
Everyone: ..............  
  
chaos: KOS-MOS, I have something I want to ask you.  
  
KOS-MOS: Hmm?  
  
chaos: And if you answer yes, you'll make me the happiest man on earth.  
  
KOS-MOS: Oh my god... *covers mouth*  
  
chaos: KOS-MOS, will you...  
  
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out..  
  
chaos: ... flash me for 40 cents worth of beads???  
  
MARDI GRAS BEADS!!!!  
  
KOS-MOS: I... Wait, what?  
  
chaos: Will you make the happiest man on earth and flash me?  
  
Audience: GET ON YOUR KNEES! GET ON YOUR KNEES! GET ON YOUR KNEES!  
  
chaos proceeds to get on one knee. All the men in the audience stand up and chant:  
  
SHOW US YOUR TITS! SHOW US YOUR TITS! (so on and so forth)  
  
KOS-MOS: What the hell!? NO!!!  
  
chaos: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease??????  
  
The men continue to chant, some of the women join in as well. chaos is still on one knee, now making puppy dog faces at KOS-MOS. KOS-MOS starts getting VERY humiliated and p'od.  
  
KOS-MOS: *slaps chaos* YOU'RE ALL SICKOS!!!!!!! *stomps off the stage*  
  
chaos: *whimper*  
  
The audience feels sorry for chaos, just like anyone would feel for a sad anime-ish pretty-boy.  
  
chaos: *whimpers more, then proceeds to get into the fetal position* NOBODY loves me, mommy!! *whimper* Why won't KOS-MOS flash me, mommy!?! *sob, sob*  
  
All the girls in the audience go "Awwwwwwwww..." and want to comfort the sad anime-ish pretty-boy. Jerry comes out with his half-empty whiskey bottle and messed up clothes.  
  
Jerry: I've never noticed how *hic* HOT the make-up lady is! *hic*  
  
chaos: *whine*  
  
Jerry: Don't worry, there are *hic* TONS of other girls who can flash you.  
  
chaos: *screaming and pounding fists on the ground like cranky toddler* But I want to see KOS-MOS'S!!!!!!! *cries*  
  
Hannah: A-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah, aren't I a GREAT writer?  
  
MZF: HOLY SH...UGAR!!! FAMILY GUY IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!! *runs out of New York and back home to Vancouver, B.C. :)*  
  
*~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~*  
  
One week later  
  
*~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~*  
  
Shion: ... Hey... where were WE in this fanfic?  
  
Jr.: Yeah! It says "Xenosaga Style!" We should all be in it! ... Except for that Helmer guy. *points*  
  
Helmer: UUUUUUUUUUUUU-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....  
  
The cast proceeds to throw him out of the window.  
  
MOMO: It's not fair! We should be in this fanfic too!  
  
Allen: Yes! We should be able to announce our shocking and humiliating secrets on coast-to-coast TV!!!  
  
Everyone: YEAH!!!  
  
Albedo: I want some beads...  
  
Everyone but Albedo: _ That is SO wrong.  
  
chaos: *walks in humming a happy tune* Hello everyone!  
  
Jr.: Why are YOU so happy?  
  
chaos: I was just in a CLOSET!! *big smile*  
  
Albedo: Got better than a flash eh? *Albedo-like laugh*  
  
Everyone stares at Albedo due to the unnecessary crazy villian laugh.  
  
chaos: Way better! *bigger smile*  
  
Everyone: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh...!!  
  
chaos: I stole a whole set of her off-stage clothes! *even bigger smile*  
  
Everyone: o.O  
  
chaos: *sniffs skirt* *gasping moan*  
  
Shion: OH GOD RUN BEFORE HE SNIFFS SOMETHING ELSE!!!  
  
Everyone screams and runs away.  
  
chaos: ... Okay, they're gone!  
  
KOS-MOS: *comes in wearing itsy bitsy teeny weeny black dress, leans on the threshold and smiles sexily*  
  
chaos: *sits on couch and pats the cushion next to him* *grin*  
  
0.5 seconds later  
  
KOS-MOS: OH CHAOS CUMPLETE ME!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Moaning sounds are heard as the word "FIN" appears on a black screen.  
  
...............  
  
...............  
  
...............  
  
...............  
  
...............  
  
...............  
  
...............  
  
Aren't I a GENIUS?!  
  
BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!  
  
*~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~**~~*  
  
MZF 


End file.
